Having a self image is a difficult thing when you don’t believe your human. I mean I have two arms (both the same length), two legs (both the same length), hands with all the fingers and thumbs…basically I have all the normal parts you expect on a regular human being. But, like I said, I don’t believe myself to be human. No joke. I think I am an Alien Stepchild, or something along those lines anyway. Some sort of space-born starling left behind to be raised by humans as a science project, and later my mind will be read out like so many bits of data which will then be compared to other readings and an idea of whether life on Earth is intelligent will be made based on their own Wexler Scale.

Here’s why:

I went out for smokes and ice not long ago ( I was out of both when I got home from camp that weekend). It was in the evening, 830 pm, and I threw on some clothes, grabbed my wallet, phone car keys, my hat and went out the parking lot of my apartment. Takes 5 minutes to get to the nearest gas station from home. I pull up, jump out start pumping gas (might as well I’m here) and the guys across from me looks sideways at me. Then the girl in the passenger side whips her head around me and goes actually “oh my god, ewwww” and rolls up her window. Assuming that some homeless person or some such has walked by and they are offended by the mere presence, I turn and look for the individual. No one. I figure he has walked around the side of the gas station. And go on about business of pumping gas. I head inside to pay the bill and get the ice and smokes. In I walk and the guy from the truck and his girl come inside behind me. They turn and step up to the counter greeting the guy behind in a fashion that says obviously they know one another well. Then a whisper. Then a laugh. I look up from where the ice is and heads whip back around away from me. And then I got it. It was me. I look at my reflection, and I obviously have bed-head, but I am not dirty or have weird smudges on my face or any other visible area, just a mussed hairdo for the nonce. But nothing else. I *thought* I had grabbed my hat. Not so much with that. I stealthily take a whiff of myself to make sure I don’t stink. Nothing. My clothes, not wrinkled or messed in any way. Their giggles become outright laughter. Knowing I am blushing I put the ice back and walk out. Pay for my gas at the pump and head home. This is not the first time that has happened. It’s just the most recent. It happens fairly often actually, but it hurts every time, none-the-less. And, its different people, different ages, different times of the year. I have other stories of similar incidents from all points in my life. So when that sort of thing happens, what is there to make a positive self image out of?

A couple of times, I have been asked why I don’t date. This would be a good reason, don’t you think? So… when this is something that has happened to you no once, but multiple times, all throughout your lifetime, what is there to make you find a self-image that is … positive. So, all I have left to wonder about ( I mean I look normal enough) is there is something about me that says… Not Human - therefore human rules don’t apply to it, and you may treat this creature before you as you wish. Or maybe there was a secret handshake or hand movement that I missed out on learning and perfecting while I was growing up. Something that regular people do and is so subtle it can only be taught to one another like Grasshopper learns from the Venerable “Old Master”. Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper and you shall be human, and one with the world. Something like that. Otherwise I am left to believe that … I am different. So much so as to cause mirth from those around. Like a constant clip from Funniest Home Videos or something. So … all that said.. its difficult to form an opinion as to self image. Mostly, I just go on about whatever it is I am doing and call it a day. I figure anyone who actually strikes up a conversation with me is “just being nice to the weird guy… good deed for the day”, you know? I mean honestly, at this point in the structure of our society, if someone asks your opinion about looks… what are you actually going to say when put on the spot? “Yah, you’re disgusting please leave me alone,” is not actually going to come out of someone’s mouth. So… self-image = Alien Stepchild.