I died. My heart puffed up and emptied itself like a whale exhaling through its blow-hole and then got stuck in the empty position. My body kept moving. Kept thinking thoughts, and making movements, but, it was automaton-like rather than spry or even meaningful. My actions held none of the same spark. It made a girl I had known cry. She looked in my eyes and said “the sparkle is gone…the spark that I always loved – it’s gone” and she turned from me tears falling from her own eyes, never to be seen by me again. And it’s worse today. The sparkle just never came back. It pops up from time to time. It used to live there, the sparkle.

That was the first moment of recognizing that I was losing myself that I ever had. It’s been a slow leak since then too. I recognized recently that I am not even the same guy I was when I started this diary. I was … desperate… when I started here. Desperate for humanity to connect with. To validate myself with. Desperate for … interaction. Desperate and sick with depression and drowning really. And I am floating now. Floating along on a sea that just doesn’t seem to end really. I became what I keep telling others not to. An island. My life just doesn’t seem to be conducive to relationships or anything of that nature. I don’t have close friends or guys I hang out with. I don’t know my neighbors here, and have no real desire to either. That’s the worst part really… no desire. I’ve kind of just learned to “do without” like so many other parents do. We… do without so that our kids can have what they need or want. So, I tend to think about things I would like to have then “Oh yah… groceries and bills”. And Its Winter. I’m burnt, I think. It’s my birthday in a few weeks. Ill be one of those life marking ages (You were right Ms. Tarty-ness with the 0-ending number guess). Know what I want? Nothing. I am just too burnt out to work up desire for anything. I go to work, do my job (which I do happen to kick serious butt at), come home, make dinner, play the game for awhile, then some TV and then bed. I get up, walk the dog, hit the shower (and because I have a needy dog I am constantly telling her “Go lay down Big Dog” because she pokes her head in the shower to check and make sure I haven’t been sucked down the drain) get dressed and head back to work.On the weekends, I clean house. I am too entrenched in hermit-ness to really do anything else. I tell myself that I’ll work out life after the boys have moved out and on with *their* life.

Admittedly, I spend a lot of time on the computer. A LOT of time. And generally when I am not on the pc playing Warcraft, I am watching TV. Everyone has movies they stop and watch, movies that make a change in you and who you are. Quite some time ago, I made reference to Will Smith from Bagger Vance ( HERE ) where I mention the line “It’s a game that can’t be won, only played” in reference to parts of my life and relationship . I watched that movie again last night, and I realized that it’s a line that can be applied to life in general. You don’t play life to win, you just play. Of course you make plans, like golf strokes and sometimes you make par, sometimes you hit a double-bogey. Every once in a while you hit beach and are stuck in the sand, sometimes it’s the pond hazard. Every so often it’s a hole in one if you planned well. Not sure what my score is at the moment, but I can tell you it’s a damn cold time of the year to be stuck on the beach.